Summer 2011: You will make me go mentally insane.
I have been officially out of school since May 5th and I am already a wreck. This semester really kicked my ass and I have never EVER done that bad in school. Between the drama and all of the breakdowns, it made me suffer. This upcoming semester, I am going to hit the books hard and not let anything get to me(hopefully).
Now, I have been job searching like mad and I so far, no one has given me a callback. Ugh! I need to get myself a job, so I can go back to school next semester. I never knew it was this difficult looking for jobs.
Anyways, I have been fighting with myself for the longest time(Whoa oh oh! For the longest time) about how I feel about Erich. Yeah, I still care about him and everything. But now, I am trying my damnedest to get over his ass, but I just can't. The other night I told him that I don't think we could be friends since I still liked him. I figured it would hurt the friendship and then we got into this whole argument about everything. In the end, I felt horrible. I was so mad at myself for letting things get like this with him. After everything with him that night, I went to bed crying. I keep thinking to myself, "Why did I do that? Why did I hurt him like that. Why did I hurt me?! I don't think I will ever find someone..." I think like this every single night. I see everyone happy with their relationships, and trust me, I happy for y'all. I just think I deserve to be happy once again. Yeah, I know it takes time and all that jazz, but I've been like this ever since last summer, when I actually started to think I had legit depression. "Why Amanda do you think you have depression?" Well students, I am always in the dumps, even on a good day, and I cut. Yeah, I still do that, even this summer already. I know Meghan and Moria, don't yell at me. It just happens... I just want all of it to end. I want to be happy. I want to be perfect. I want to find that perfect guy. I don't want to be alone anymore. I can't do it anymore, I just can't.
So, I guess for everyone's lovey-dovey blogs that I've read/seen, I have to counter-act with a very depressed one.
you know i wouldnt legit yell at you for that..it'd just make me a hypocrite. But Schmanda you're stronger than you think, and you CAN get through this. You've got support from all of us and we love you to pieces <3 Keep your head up darlin' :)
ReplyDeleteThanks dear. But now you are in the loop. And I'm tryin' my best. It is just really difficult trying to be my best when my best isn't good enough.
ReplyDeleteHun, I wouldn't yell at you for that. And Moria's right: you are stronger than you think. Trust me, things WILL get better. You know that Moria and I will always be there for you if you need us. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm starting to figure that out now Meghan. And I know you guys will always be there. Thanks a bunch.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you have to have a guy to be happy? You will never truly be happy until you are happy with yourself first.
ReplyDeleteWell 'Anonymous', I'm not trying to have a guy in my life. Being in and out of relationships since my freshman year of high school has put a huge impact on my life. Since my most recent ex (from March), this is the longest I have been single. I've been fighting depression and all that jazz when I never had to before. I am now starting to become happy with myself. I really wish I knew who you were. Then I could tell you just a tad bit more.
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